Duel

Duel

Apparently I was just unconsciously shooting book covers for an epic fantasy series…

I’m not complaining!

There’s nothing about this one that I don’t love. NOM.

* * *

I woke up okay, but the anxiety is trying to amp up to panic, so I’m breathing and doing the exercises first, before I go and take my Klonopin.

School starts tomorrow. As a result, I am taking the Bean out to get new shoes. Shockingly, the shoes the Mouse currently has are fine and she loves them. One less thing.

* * *

Trying to figure out how much I can do in a day is really frustrating me. I just have no sense of what my endurance or recovery time is. I know I need to exercise more, but everything is a choice. I can exercise and not work on the Apocalyptica. I can exercise or not take care of my girls the way that they need. I can’t give up on my health, because it is directly related to my sanity.

So. I’ve got to figure that out. Which is okay. Everything is solvable.

In the meantime, I need to get the rest of the Sutro photos processed so I can to strip the establishing shots I took over the weekend into the computer, so I can get them prepped. And everything is taking five times longer than I want it to and then I stop…

I breathe…

And remember…

It takes as long as it takes.

And who knows? Hiking out to all these locations should get me in good shape. Climbing too. I’ll just let my body do what it needs to do. A breathing body is a perfect body.

Untitled II

Untitled II

Screwing around with effects here.

* * *

Party was a swimming success as far as I can tell. The Mouse loved it and had a ton of fun with her friends. There was much grilling and drinks even if the weather was 102′. We stayed in the shade, unlike the younger set, with the outdoor fan and correct application of chilled beverages kept it pleasant. I also got to smoke two cigars with friends, which I haven’t done in far too long.

I had planned on taking the girls to get shoes for school, but again, I have forgotten how I do not have the resilience I once had. I just managed to make a simple dinner, and that was work for me. As a result, today is a rest day. Bless the Ant. The only reason my garden isn’t dead is she went out and got everything watered in defense against the heat.

If I had any complaint about today, it would be the fact that I’m exhausted and moving slow. My creative brain has a ton of new stuff in it from conversations had with friends yesterday and I itch to work. But. Not enough spoons.

So I’m making notes and breathing. If it’s meant to get made, it’ll be there tomorrow.

Hope your weekend was equally wonderful.

Watcher at the Wall

Watcher at the Wall

This one is going to be an eventual bookmark/business card. Exquisite, isn’t she?

* * *

So I am the parent of a 12-year-old, officially and everything. Lordy. It does not remotely feel like twelve years and change have gone by. I mean, clearly they have, but damn. It seemed so slow at the beginning and now, the time flies.

I’m also back on school year hours which starts my day at 0630. Honestly, it feels good to be back on the morning shift. While it is true that I am a night owl, the mornings are the only time I get to myself and have any semblance of silence. The rest of the time, it’s just wall to wall noise.

My Hello Kitty metal water bottle achieved lack of containment, which is a tiny loss, but I really liked it. I didn’t know they could fail like that. Live and learn.

Yesterday was a rest day. I realized I hadn’t taken one in over a week and have been going non-stop again, so, I made rest happen.

In other news, completed the chaotic giant rock task that’s been dominating my week this morning, and on my way back from Arcadia (don’t ask), I was able to detour to the Colorado Street Bridge and get some establishing shot plates for the Apocalyptica. Also realized I was wearing the wrong damn shoes for hiking (flip flops). So, going to make a point of kitting out Moneypenny with a basic hike pack to live in the car, since this is basically the way I’m doing things. Go to place A, detour to shoot location on way back, lather, rinse, repeat.

Oh, and I really have to go dumpster diving sooner than later. I need to build a stage, a throne, and a royalish divan type object, so that means taking people’s left on the street furniture, and stripping them to their frames. Reupholstering really isn’t that hard and again, see the backlog of fabric in the Garage of Doom. And pallets can be had for nothing if I cruise the neighborhood. Lot of construction going on right now.

And that’s me. How are you?

Stand Defiant

Stand Defiant

No, we didn’t get arrested for having weapons. I have no idea how I managed it either, so don’t ask. LOL

* * *

*ahem*

TODAY IS THE MOUSE’S BIRTHDAY. THE POPULACE WILL MAKE MERRY UNDER PAIN OF DEATH. YES.

The Birthday Girl has asked for a session at the Salon of Mom and materials will be arriving soon for Cake of Awesomeness (delivery is my life saver).

*gets momentarily serious and maudlin*

I cannot remotely describe my eldest daughter adequately. She’s growing to be easily taller than me at this rate. She has a dancer’s grace and the steel strength that goes with it. She’s silly and sings ridiculous songs when I’m having a bad day. She’s maddening as hell and argues with me over any injustice in her mind, no matter how slight. She’s smart, goes without saying, but, the thing that I’m proudest of?

She’s kind.

Not all the time. She is a child still. But she tries. And she stands up for her friends and for herself and is not afraid to speak out against the things that she feels are wrong.

I don’t know how we got so lucky. She’s amazing. I helped make her. But the making of her now is starting to be more of her own choosing, and she is choosing far more wisely than I ever did. I mean it’s not all great. She appears to have inherited my predilection to anxiety and has an unusual variant of ADHD, but she’s learning how to turn them into strengths, not weaknesses.

And this year, the Perseid meteor shower that heralds her birth every year appears to be even more spectacular than usual. I blame her grandfather for that one. He likes to show off.

I have no idea what she will become. I just know it will be glorious. Even if that means becoming a beach bum. Because if she chooses that, she will be the greatest beach bum the world has ever seen. Or not. Doesn’t matter. Whatever she chooses, she appears to be choosing to be uniquely herself.

It’s fucking awesome.

Mouse & Cat 2Fool III

On the Parapet

On the Parapet

I am so lucky in my friends and models. Such beautiful ladies, as Baron Munchausen would say…

* * *

The day today was an exercise in controlling the urge to scream. Mostly in frustration. As a result, my garden has been seriously weeded.

Actually, that’s a pretty awesome and positive outcome and a correct application of that feeling. Huh. Go me. Amazing what meds and therapy will do for you.

Oh, and my arms are tired. Some of the weeds required serious digging out. *shakes fist at whatever that thing is with the giant tap root that isn’t a dandelion)

Hero II

Hero II

And here comes the rest of the Sutro Bath shoot. When I finish this, I will be officially caught up and can devote myself entirely to the Apocalyptica. Because I am insane. Yes.

* * *

I’m completely stalled on some things and I’m really upset.

However, I’ve been working the problem and the solution may end up being way better than the initial plan. It’s an intelligent choice with what I have available to me. With what I have available to me, including money…

I work with what I’ve got and do my best. I’ve got my work cut out for me and things I need to study. In the meantime, I’ll make it work as best I can.

Don’t get me wrong. I fucking hate this, but it is what it is. I’m not Annie Liebowitz.

YET.

Someday I’ll get to shoot where I want to shoot with all the things that I want to shoot with. If a guy in a silly dragon suit can land behind Daenerys Stormborn to stand in for Drogon and the after work is epic? I can do the same, even if it’s the low rent version. I have the time.

So.

I’ll make it work as best we can.

And in other news, I need to do laundry today and crunch some logistics.

Did I mention I fucking hate this? Okay, I fucking hate this. I feel how I feel. I’m allowed to feel what and how I feel. Now back to work.

*cracks knuckles*

NSFW – Spiral Dance

Spiral Dance

And I do mean it this time.

This is, hands down, the best one of the series. I finally got reasonable control of the compositing and also stepped up my box of skills with applying effects to a singular layer. On top of that, if there’s one thing I can do, it’s retouch something to make it look like a light source is coming from someplace else.

* * *

Yesterday started with a zero to wide the fuck awake in twenty seconds with an issue that’s going to take days to resolve, but, BUT, it can be resolved, it’s just a time issue.

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

I am not impatient, why do you ask?

I also ended up walking to the CVS, which wasn’t that far away and ticked off my exercise today, my Japanese parasol over me to keep the evil day star from cooking my head. I looked very stylish if I say so myself. But it was definitely on the warm side and I really wished that not all of my shorts were in the laundry. *gasp*

Oh, and my mother (biological, the one who abused me) called and I’m seriously avoiding calling her back, because, fuck’s sake, I’ve got too much to do. But I’ll probably do it today. Get the toad swallowing out of the fucking way.

But the bright spot is that I cleaned more of my garden yesterday, I’m going to do more today, and Blue Apron sent me a packet of seeds in this past week’s box! Seeds! Yay! So Imma gonna plant ’em and put them on the window sill. Pea shoots, here we come. NOM.

* * *

As for today, I’m in the grips of the anxiety demon, though so far, it hasn’t gotten the advantage of me for the throw and the pin. I uploaded photos to Flicker this morning and the slog through the backlog continues. I’ve become far more selective of what I am choosing for series in general and what I’m not. Practice. It catches up with you.

The Bean was super mopey this morning and that didn’t help my brain either. Made pancakes in self-defense, which seemed to perk her up.

The Mouse has a birthday party to go too. I have no idea what that’s going to entail.

Oh, and I started cleaning the kitchen. No wonder I’m already tired, and amping up on the anxiety. So I will breathe, and stay centered, and stay present. Take my time. And if anyone doesn’t like it, they can suck my dick. Honey badger don’t fucking care.

And that’s it so far. Hope your Saturday is less full than mine.

NSFW – Pole Star

Pole Star

There’s a nipple. If you squint.

* * *

Oh my dear gods, my arms are so tired. Carving the tip down to a point on the bone wand continues and I’m sight of the finish on it. I’ve also been gardening a bit after being outside working, so the yard is slowly tidying up.

Woke up okay, but eventually had to take my Klonopin when the anxiety demon started to chew on my head.

I also realized that we haven’t gone to the beach even once this summer and that made me feel sad.

Other than that, life is good. The work continues, as Sweeny would say. We drive on.

Galaxy Labyrinth

Galaxy Labyrinth

I really love how this one turned out. It’s post processed up the ass and I don’t care. It looks AWESOME. This one may have to get printed just for me and to hang in the house with my quickly diminishing wall space.

* * *

Starting the line edit on Dark Lightning. I’m making the book much better now with just tiny tweaks. Consider it a tune up.

Untitled

Untitled

Mind is just not coming up with titles, though again, this just screams science fiction book cover.

NOM.

* * *

Immediately got sucked into working this morning. A good sign, but glurg. I look up and two hours have flown by and I have had nothing but coffee.

Oops.

I feel good this morning. Really good. I appear to be balanced and stable with the new med combination and I am so fucking grateful. I can think again. The panic makes it impossible to think or problem solve. This has given me my mind back. Let’s hope this sticks for a while.

* * *

Holy crap, my butt hurts. My trainer and I really kicked it. Lots of slow yin yoga today. Ow.

* * *

Showed the Mouse where the basil was in the garden, how to identify it and what its characteristics are. I am my father’s daughter. Instead of physic lectures, i give herbalism lectures. I hope I am not as repetitive though. Though who knows? It amuses me to think that in the far future, she’ll give the same lecture to some other small one and keep the knowledge going.

But now my hands smell like fresh crushed basil and it makes me so happy.

I have hard things to do today, but I don’t feel like toad swallowing first thing. So it’s Muscle Milk for me and work on the Magician and High Priestess next, which sounds absolutely lovely. It’s coming along.

* * *

And for the record, I am aware of the state of things in the world. I can’t help or avoid that. I am an analytical type by nature and subscribed to too many feeds that cover politics, intelligence, and various other hard subjects. And I know only one thing. What you focus on persists. What you *resist* persists. Not to say that there isn’t a time to fight, because fuck yeah, sometimes you have to fight. But if you, yourself, are not directly harmed?

I’m starting to think that you have a moral duty to do an act of kindness or create some beauty or make where you stand somehow better in the face of these things going on in the world right now. A freaking geas, if you will. It’s not being Pollyanna. I keep saying it.

It’s defiance.

* * *

Don’t forget that Strange Weather is free over at Amazon for the rest of the week! Whee!

* * *

T-minus 8 days and counting!