Frisk Me

Frisk Me

That’s what she had written on her thighs, one word on each thigh.

I would have loved to…

* * *

Today is a rest day. Yesterday was spent running around and I am made of tired and tomorrow is Memorial Day BBQ, which I will need lots of spoons for. So. Rest.

I’ve started compiling my second Hour of Bounce for Radio ANJI. Successfully broadcast last night at 9PM PST, and it should repeat for the next four days at the same time if you want to catch the hour and sixteen minutes of groove. It actually kept me up past my bedtime, because I was so happy with how it sounded and flowed. I still need to record an extro bounce. I have zero ideas for a jingle, but I’m thinking about it. Garage Band will hopefully help me out there.

It’s funny, but I always wanted to run a pirate radio station. It took the internet to make that happen.

It’s also giving me all sorts of ideas for short music films. So I continue to upload music for all four of my listeners, not counting myself.

In other news, things remain challenging and frustrating and I am not a happy camper, but I don’t appear to be in the hole today, so YAY.

I do what I can with I have and pray.

Husband is ill too. Please send good vibes and healing thoughts.

* * *

And in other news, after too long and all the edits, the advance reader copy of The Apocalypse Bell will be going out soon. If you don’t get the Ursa Major Books DRCs and want to, drop me a note at angela at ursa-major-books.com and I’ll add you to the list. Cover painting is coming along too.

* * *

Nine days and counting as of noon today! Please get the word out!

Marilyn in the Waste

Marilyn

I adored that she looked like Marilyn Monroe trapped in a post-apocalyptic movie, but…STILL HAD RED LIPSTICK.

Yes, like cockroaches, MAC Viva Glam will survive the apocalypse. I just know it.

* * *

Had another interview this morning and have sent out more CVs to interested parties. The work continues.

* * *

The Fool’s staff is DONE. Done, done, done. Pictures will be following later. It looks wicked awesome. I am thrilled with how it came out.

Now to just get the tunic made as soon as the fabric arrives and then… Tiny fiddley bits and WE SHOOT.

So. Close.

Queen of Sheba

Queen of Sheba

I didn’t get her name at the time, but I have since learned that it is Willow Bell. For real. I love it. Perfect name for a protagonist.

This shot is when I fell in love.

I was in the pool with all the other photogs* and she spotted me zoomed in on her (this is why I have a red camera body! you can see me!). And she posed, gave me the Queen of Sheba look without me even asking.

*swoon*

I gave her my card after, along with most of the Badlands Savages Tribe. I really really really hope she’s up for coming out to play with the Apocalyptica.

*Bene Notte: what the hell? Yet again, I was the ONLY woman pro photog in the pool. I felt like I should be shouting out like Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles: “where all the white women at?!” It’s made me feel very strange for five seconds and then I went back to making friends. Cameras, like tobacco shared, makes us friends.

* * *

Slowly figuring out how Radionomy works. Recorded my intro box yesterday. If I feel up to it, I’ll do my extro box today. For those who don’t speak Broadcasting, a box is an individual unit of recorded whatever. Apparently, even in the new days of the internet, we still can’t avoid calling them boxes or carts. It dates back to when you literally would program your radio show by yanking boxes and stacking them in the order you were going to play them. I am amused that it translated from the physical world that radio once was.

I am a little anxious this morning, but not overly so. Can’t say that I care.

Slowly updating the Ursa Major website while I’m at it too. It’s kludgey and I don’t like it, but it’s the best I can do right now. Bah. VisionWalker by Ashley Harper is once more live on Amazon. That *does* make me happy.

Anyway, I do what I can with what I’ve got.

So, yeah. I had a thought about selling my sketch book when I’m done filling it up. Instead of burning it. Put it up on eBay and see what happens. It’s a definite thought. What do y’all think? Worth doing, or continue to feed my pyromania? *cues up Def Leppard*

In the meantime, I got my eye hooks from Amazon yesterday. Having a devil of a time setting them on the Fool’s staff. It may have been a nice idea and not workable. If so, I’ll just glue them in and call it good. Actually, I think that is exactly what I’m going to do. The E6000 is softer and I can probably screw them into that with no problem or at least set them in. Something to consider.

So.

I’m doing okay this morning, even if I am a bit out of it.

Got to video the Mouse rehearsing her hip hop routine for her receital, which was amazing, because DAMN, that girl has gotten good. Lead dancer. Lead. Center stage and everyone following her. Was wild. I remember when she was four and the pot belly and the feet that wouldn’t turn out in ballet and now… Killing it.

Have an interview at my old temp agency tomorrow. They’ve always gotten me work in the past, between them and Career Group. Hopefully they’ll be able to land me some short term temp work. Everyone cross their fingers.

* * *

11 days and counting.

Badlands Duchess

Badlands Duchess

The Badlands Duchess Herself, Dianna Condon, leader of the Wasteland Badlands Tribe and Circus. Yes. Circus. LOVED her look. Also turns out we know a lot of the same people, as she is a sister bellydancer! Color me not at all surprised to have found this out.

This is from the Wasteland Weekend Car Show this past Saturday. It was so much damn fun.

* * *

Have unfortunately read a few depressing author blogs talking about how they’re not going to bother with trying to have a writing career anymore, because they didn’t/don’t sell. They’ll write for themselves. But no one will see it. Something about that really bothers me and makes me feel so fucking sad.

And then there was a comment I saw on a photographer who I admire, on his Facebook, from a fan who chastised him for using smoke in a shot because it was “pollution” and why didn’t he have more respect for the Earth? The photographer in question is a huge environmental activist and supporter. I just can’t even.

Color me crazy, but one photographer’s use of smoke in a shot is not the reason the world is dying. Talk about aiming the ire in the wrong direction. But that’s just it. People don’t feel they can be heard by those in actual power, so they turn on each other like rats in a too small cage.

Yeah.

I see posts from my peers that mean in varying degrees that things are shit today. Which is okay. Some days are shit. Pretending they aren’t doesn’t make them go away. Bad days exist. Refusing to acknowledge them, again, doesn’t make them go away. It just dismisses lived experience, which I’m finding is a super bad idea for mental health.

I feel beaten today. I have to get an additional gig as fast as possible. There’s the bare bones of it. I don’t like being desperate, and I’m not? Because it’s not desperation so much as urgency and I don’t handle stress and pressure very well right now. Depression is telling me I’m alone and no one wants to be my friend or even wants to know I exist, and really no wants me, period, which I *know* is bullshit, but there it is.

I turn 46 this year. I’m not rich and famous. I’m in process. They don’t tell you that all of life is being permanently In Process, or maybe that’s just me.

This is scattered and all over the place and that’s okay too. So I tell myself what I would tell my friends. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Get present. Breathe.

Just breathe.

* * *

The Magician cruises along at 37% with 12 days to go. I know we’ll get there. Please spread the word!

Io Pan

Io Pan

or: we say hello to the Pan in the garden.

The green dots are the lasters that were lit throughout the space as little green stars. Absolutely wonderful.

It’s super noisy because of the low light, but I love grain/noise.

* * *

It was a Lost Weekend, but the best kind of Lost. I had an amazing time at the Wasteland Weekend Car Show on Saturday and got a lot accomplished, which included acquiring the first of many large wrenches. (I LOVE MY WRENCH.)

I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I was just so wiped out from the show. But like I said, it was amazing and I’m super glad that I went. It was wonderful fun and just being out on the road felt so good. I had a working audio cable for my phone, my music, nothing but road, and no hurry to be anywhere.

Of course the anxiety tried to eat me alive on Sunday, but that is it’s job. David tells me that it’s logical that I have these reactions. These reactions helped me survive my childhood and my younger life. It did what it was supposed to do. It kept me alive. I just don’t need it now, not in that way and learning that, when it’s all limbic system and lizard brain… It’s all aversion training, which sucks fucking ass.

But the disorder was and still is…a gift.

So today, I’ve been telling the feeling in my solar plexus that I am grateful, that I appreciate it so much, but it can stand down. I don’t know if it makes a difference. But I’m not as pranged today.

In the meantime, both husband and I are on the hunt for the next gig. The life of freelancers.

In the second meantime, I think we need to find Colette another forever home. She escaped the Ant today, and the Ant got injured in recovering her. This isn’t acceptable. It would be one thing if I had the kind of life and money that could be devoted to a dog of this intelligence and activity level, but I don’t. I still need to talk to the girls though. Colette is all of our dog. I can’t make this decision alone. It’s heart-breaking, but I don’t know what else to do.

* * *

Fabric is in production at Spoonflower. WOOO. We have 13 days left to get us to the Green Place. Please spread the word!

Shadow Wine

Shadow Wine

It’s NSFW if you tilt your head sideways and squint…

* * *

Day 3 of actively taking care of myself and so far, so good. I have bleached my hair and this morning I went on a hike with L into Griffith Park from one of the trail heads that starts at the observatory. Wow. Beautiful views. And I don’t just mean the Hollywood sign. It was overcast and cool, which was wonderful, because there’s no real tree coverage on that trail.

* * *

I was going to say we’re at 31% but when I wasn’t looking, the wonderful Tom W. dropped some money on us and pushed us to 37%! Yay!!! As always, please keep spreading the word!

NSFW – Night Garden II

Night Garden II

I love that this looks like a shoe ad out of Vogue Italia.

Speaking of which, if anyone at Vogue Italia wants to hire me for an editorial, holy cats, am I your girl.

* * *

Things are up in the air again, here at Casa de BiGJAM.

*shrug*

It is what it is. We always land on our feet. This happens, it keeps happening. I’m working to change it.

Had a really good and productive session at therapy today, but it’s stirred up a lot of shit. See things being up in the air.

It’s hard not to think that there’s something wrong with me, except that there is something wrong with me, I have a mental illness and it’s eating my head. So I breathe. It doesn’t make me easy to live with. I wish that it weren’t so, but there it is. At least I’m working on it. I’m able to dredge up a thin shred of compassion for myself because of that.

I am working on it.

In the meantime, I’ve got availability for photography slots or any of my other skill sets, so if you know of a gig for the next month to two months, let me know. Ideally, I’d like to point a camera at things, but I wear a lot of hats. If you need something sewn, or tax related, or written, I’m (again) your girl.

In other news, the campaign rumbles along. We’re at 31% with 23 days to go. Not too shabby. But as always, if you can only spread the word, please please please do. It helps so much.

NSFW: Bathe in Moonlight

Bathe in Moonlight

Just FYI, trying to shoot at night, with a flash, and get the moon in the shot? Way fucking harder than it looks. And sadly, because of the noise, I wasn’t able to make the moon bigger. I tried, but no.

That being said, I love how this came out. And yes, I wish I had a bathtub in my backyard too.

* * *

Spent my morning watching some Chase Jarvis video where he talks about needing to pay attention to the world to be a better photographer, actually a better anything, and that having wide interests and curiosities is what separates the good from the great. It made me want to find a few people and slap the living shit out of them with the video while shouting “SEE?!”

I have lost count of the number of times in my life where I was told to cut off bits of myself to conform and to narrow my interests and turn off my curiosity and it always felt wrong to me and I could never understand why those people were so hell bent on making me *smaller*. I still don’t understand it.

In fact, I fucking hate it.

But that’s neither here nor there.

Where was I going with this?

Dunno.

Anyway, that’s the state of my brain this morning. That and I need to fix a bank error and that’s got me freaked out. Good times.

Did I mention that I’m also really fucking tired?

I think I need a nap and a Valium. Or a Xanax.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror

Actually, a glass of wine would be lovely right now. It’s five o’clock somewhere, right?

* * *

I’m doing better today. Yesterday was spent in the hole for most of it, though I managed to pull myself out by the evening. Art and tequila will do that for you if you let them.

C sent me an absolutely hysterical photo this morning of himself in his utilikilt with a lace petticoat. Trust me, it’s funny as shit, because of a thing he said to me last week and helped me start the day off with a giggle and a gigantic smile on my face. I am really blessed in my friends and chosen family.

Props continue. I’m stalled on the Fool’s staff until I can get my ass to Home Depot for eye hooks to screw in to hang bits off the staff. Trust me, it makes sense in my head. Man, I’m asking you to trust me a lot today. I will do my best to be worthy of it.

The Fool’s bag though continues. Most of the trad embroidery is done (I realized I want to satin stitch the nose and need to go back and do that), and I’ve gotten all the leaves on and one of the vines. Then it will be all the ribbon roses, montees, and rhinestones I can eat to stick on it. Honestly, construction will probably take the least amount of time for any of these pieces. It’s taking the time to do the embellishment that’s really taking these props from meat to holy crap. I’m very happy.

In the meantime, we hold steady. It’s Wednesday. We’ve got a month to go.

Night Garden

Night Garden

This is from the shoot I did May of 2014? 2015? Gah, no brain.

I’m in the hole this morning. Again. Only one way to go. Up.

But I have gone to the bank and I have taken my meds. That right there is good. So. Yeah.

My desk is buried under paper and embroidery supplies. You’d think I was working on a giant art series or something.